I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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