I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
