If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
