I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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