sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
