my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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