I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
