I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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