Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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