I wish I could teleport
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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