i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
