I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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