Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
