Define "chronic" masturbator.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
