you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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