I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
