She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
