Apparently you make a good broom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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