i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
