I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
