and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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