Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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