He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
