I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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