drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
