It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
