I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
