every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
