do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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