What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
