If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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