You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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