Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
