my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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