we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
