I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
