Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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