These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
