That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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