you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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