Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
bring money and cleavage
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
