I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
