i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You pole danced in your parka.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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