Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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