I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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