I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
