I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
