did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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