I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
