I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I understand Curling. That high.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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