Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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