I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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